I have mixed emotions today. What should be Landon’s first day of kindergarten.
I feel as though cancer has taken yet one more thing from us.
Today should be an exciting day for Landon, a new start, new friends, new experiences. A tough day for me, lots of hugs, lots of tears, so much pride for my big boy.
And yet instead I find myself feeling bitter, sad, angry. That with everything else cancer has taken, we also lose this moment as well.
And not to sit here whining and complaining when we have So. Much. to be thankful for, but I am still feeling the ache of a loss today.
I want to be dressing my boy up, loading up his backpack, taking his yearly photo, dropping him off at school, driving home crying mommy tears over my baby growing up.
Kindergarten! This year! So big!
But, no classroom time yet for Landon. His immune system is still too compromised, his doctors say to keep him on isolation, no going in public. No school.
So instead of driving off to school today we’ll sit at home, playing Legos, hearing the school buses drive past outside, seeing all the photos on Facebook of everyone else’s first days, and plan for a couple months of pre-school worksheets to prep and plan for kindergarten once he is ready.
We hope he will get to attend school this year, and if not, then likely by next year. But, we never know what may happen.
Our prayer, of course, that we will have years and years of first days ahead of us, and this will just be a minor loss in the grand picture.